Can't Survive Without Love
by accook
Summary: Hazel breaks the shocking news to Gus that her cancer is back. Hazel tells him to go on with his life, that she does not want to hold him back. Gus cannot even possibly imagine a world without Hazel. He tries everything he can to help her to fight through it. Will Gus be able to survive in a world without the love of his life?


It was their last day in Amsterdam. Hazel and Gus decided to take a walk through the town before they leave. As they were walking, Hazel kept her head down, as her feet crunched on the fallen leaves. Gus and Hazel sat down on an old wooden bench that was near the water.

"Gus, thank you for coming with me on this trip," Hazel said, still looking down.

"I just wish Von Houton wasn't such a jerk!" replied Gus, looking straight at her. She did not respond. Gus stared and observed her. She was looking down at her feet, kicking them back and forth while the leaves rustled between her shoes and the ground. "Is there something wrong Hazel?"

"I have to tell you something, and it is not exactly the news you will want to hear. I don't know how to tell you," sighed Hazel, with a quivering voice. She was trying to hold back the tears, but they just came flooding down her cheeks.

"Hazel Grace, what is it? You can tell me anything, you know that," reassured Gus. He scooted closer towards Hazel and put his arm around her for comfort. His mind began to endlessly ponder what the news was that Hazel had to tell him.

"Well, I went to the hospital for my yearly check up to make sure everything is still going well and…" Tears streamed down her face as the words trembled out of her mouth. "It's back, Gus. The cancer is back, and they said it's worse than before." Gus stared at Hazel in shock, not knowing what to say. Without any words being said, he hugged her tight and wouldn't let go.

"I'm going to be here for you always, Hazel. No matter what, I will be right by your side. You know that," replied Gus still in shock. They sat on the bench holding each other for a little bit longer. "I think we should get back to the hotel, we have to leave soon." Hazel nodded and they both started to walk back to the hotel. The rest of the day, Hazel and Gus didn't talk much. He didn't know how to process the fact that Hazel was dying. He tried to imagine a world without Hazel, but he couldn't. He came to a realization how much Hazel actually meant to him and how much she impacted his life.

After the trip to Amsterdam, things just didn't seem normal between Gus and Hazel. Hazel got sicker by the day and all Gus could do was be there for her. Hazel was so sick that she had to stop going to school and had to be emitted to the hospital. Gus came to visit her one day. "Hey Hazel Grace, how are you?"

"I'm okay. I just have no energy. I don't know if I can go through with this again. I don't know if I can fight it this time, Gus," exclaimed Hazel, looking defeated. Hearing Hazel so down broke Gus' heart. He hated seeing her without a smile on her face.

"You can do it, Hazel! Believe in yourself. You've fought it off once, you can do it again. I'm here for you. Your parents are here for you. We're all here for you. You can do it." Gus tried giving Hazel a sense of hope.

"I'm dying, don't you understand that? How am I supposed to have hope when I barely fought it off before? I'm only getting worse," Hazel burst out crying. "I want you to do something for me, Gus. I want you to speak at my funeral."

Gus interrupted. "Hazel, stop! There isn't going to be a funeral for you. You are strong and you are going to get through this."

"I'm asking you to speak at my funeral. I want to hear what you have to say, please." Hazel wiped tears off of her cheek. Gus nodded and kissed her goodbye. He wanted to help her out, but he just didn't know how to. He felt so helpless because there was nothing he could do. It was out of his hands and he hated that.

The next couple days, Gus went to the hospital to visit Hazel and together they wrote Hazel's eulogy. They reminisced over many memories, laughing, crying, and smiling. At one point, they both caught direct eye contact with each other and just stared. "Hazel Grace, I just want to say how much I love you. You have had such an impact on my life and I just wanted to say thank you. I've never met such a beautiful, fun, dorky girl like you." Hazel smiled, looked down and blushed. After a couple seconds, her smile went away when she realized how different Gus' life will be when she's gone. She wanted the best for Gus. Gus kissed her forehead. "Well, it's late. I better get going. You need to get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Hazel." Gus kissed her one last time and left. Hazel laid in bed and cried.

"I don't want to die. I don't want to die," Hazel repeated in her head. All she wanted to do was be with Gus, but she couldn't.

Hazel passed away that night. When the news was told to Gus, he fell to the ground crying. He didn't know it was going to be this soon. He wanted to spend more time with her. Gus felt so empty, like he was nothing without her. He never knew he would actually have to face the reality that Hazel was gone, gone forever.

A week later was Hazel's funeral. Gus spoke just like how Hazel wanted. It was tough for him, but he did it in her honor. Many tears were shed and he really dreaded that day. After the funeral, Gus didn't know where to go, but Hazel's parents invited him back to their house. He nodded and accepted their nice gesture.

When they got to Hazel's house, his parents got out of the car. "Gus, you can go inside. I'm just going to grab the mail," Hazel's dad exclaimed. Gus and Hazel's mom went inside and sat down in the living room. They began to talk about Hazel's life and how great of a girl she was. When Hazel's dad got back in the house, he looked furious. "I can't believe this. We just got a letter from the medical group at the hospital saying they have a new experimental drug that can help cure thyroid cancer. Why couldn't they of sent this out sooner?! Hazel could still possibly be alive! This isn't fair!" He broke down and wept. Hazel's mom and Gus just stared at each other in shock. What if that new drug did really cure Hazel's cancer?

Gus' whole world was turned upside down. He spent the majority of his time with Hazel. They did everything together. The love of his life was ripped out of his hands. His life would never be the same. The sky was not as blue; the grass was not as green. Each day to Gus was slow and gray. He lost all motivation because he was so depressed. It felt as if he was simply just going through the motions day by day.

Gus sunk into a deep depression. No matter what his friends and family did to try cheer him up and help him cope with Hazel's death, he just sunk deeper and deeper into the darkness. His parents grew very concerned with Gus and made him go see a therapist.

He did not like the idea of going to talk to a therapist because he did not think it would help. Nothing can bring Hazel back. He sat in the lobby waiting to be called in by the therapist. When he was finally called in, the therapist greeted him with a smile.

"Hello, Augustus Waters. My name is Dr. Peggy Hartman. I am excited to help you out for the next couple weeks. Please sit down and get comfortable." Gus sat down, with his arms crossed and didn't say anything. "Well Augustus, what brings you here?"

"My parents," Gus replied, quick and short.

"And what is the reason why your parents want you here?" Dr. Peggy Hartman asked.

"My girlfriend," answered Gus, looking out the window avoiding all eye contact with the therapist. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes just by the simple thought of Hazel.

"Could you elaborate on that? Are you and your girlfriend having problems?" asked the therapist, with a pen in hand, ready to write down his response.

"No," Gus answered clearly aggravated.

"Then what is it, Augustus? You will feel better if you talk about it. I am here to listen and help," responded Dr. Peggy Hartman. She kept trying to pry the answers out of Gus and he snapped. He burst out in tears and began to sob.

"My girlfriend died from cancer. It's so unfair. She was the most amazing, beautiful, funny, caring girl in the world. She was the love of my life and now she's gone! Gone! No one fucking understands how much I'm hurting. No one gets the pain I'm going through. She was my everything and now she's gone. Every single second of the day I think about her. Everything reminds me of her. It's torture. I'm not going to sit here and talk to a random stranger about my life when you cannot relate to how I am feeling!" Gus exploded. This was his breaking point. He left the therapist's office and ran to his car. He sat in his car for hours and just cried. He felt so lost and didn't know where to go. He just wanted to be with Hazel.

He put the keys into the ignition, put the car in drive and drove off. He drove straight to the cemetery. He sat next to Hazel's grave and wept.

"Hazel, nothing is the same without you here. You put the sunshine into my day and now the days are cold and bitter. I am nothing without you. I cannot put into words how much you mean to me. I want and will be with you soon, I promise. I love you with all my heart," cried Gus. He sat at her grave for a little bit longer and then headed home. His parents tried talking to him, asking him about his day, but he just went straight to his room.

The next couple weeks, Gus' friends and family noticed that Gus seemed happier. He was doing well in school again, going out and hanging with friends. It seemed as though he was slowly climbing out of the hole he sunk in. The lively, old Gus was back. It was almost as if he was too happy. His parents did not say anything though because they rather see him happy than sad and depressed.

Exactly two months after Hazel passed away, Gus' parents came up to his room. "Hey son, how are you doing today? We know it might be a tough day today, since it's been exactly two months Hazel has been gone, but be strong," comforted Gus' parents.

"I'm fine! Today is going to be a good day. I got to get going, or I'm going to be late for school. Thanks for the support, love you guys!" exclaimed Gus very happily. He hugged and kissed his parents good bye before leaving for school. His parents looked confused because he was never a morning person and also never hugged or kissed them goodbye.

"Do you think he's really okay? I'm kind of worried about him," Mrs. Waters said to Mr. Waters.

"Honey, we're just not used to seeing him like this because he's been grieving. He's okay!" reassured Mr. Waters.

That day Gus did not come back from school. He went straight to the cemetery to visit Hazel's grave. He bent down and laid pink, white and purple flowers against her tombstone.

"Hazel, it's been a long two months. I don't know how I've lasted this long without you. I'm finally going to get to be with you," whispered Gus.

Gus reached down into his coat pocket and took out a gun. He took a deep breath, put it to his head, closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.


End file.
